KainAsylum

Set the Fire to the Third Bar

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 19:11:22 GMT

Life has been really good lately.
Is this real? Can it really be this good without some form of strife to overcome?
No drama. How is this possible?
Is it really supposed to be this easy? Why wasn't it this easy before? What changed?
Was it me... or did I just get lucky?

There are two parts of the puzzle: What to DO, and How to BE.
I always knew what to DO, but I could never quite get a good way to BE.
I now realize that BEing is the second order integral of DOing.
What to BE is the compass that governs what to DO.
I woke up one day and told myself that I will just BE "that person".
Without fear.
Without regret.
Without remorse.
Without excuse.
I can't control the world around me, but I can control the choices I make at any one time.

I am reminded of this old entry from 2007:
http://kainasylum.livejournal.com/72475.html
I am something else, now.
And it is good.

ENFJ - "Pedagogue of Humanity"

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 18:31:30 GMT

First test taken in 2005: INTJ (Mastermind) http://kainasylum.livejournal.com/5361.html Asshole mastermind
Feb 2008: ENTJ (Field Marshall) http://kainasylum.livejournal.com/80706.html Mass movement rally seeker. Deltas from INTJ probably instigated by a combination of traumatic life changes, psycho-socio engineering, and drugs with the goal of establishing a new identity to complete destruction of the old one
Mar 2009: ESFJ (Guardian Provider) http://kainasylum.livejournal.com/125264.html Hero complex on overload. Deltas from ENTJ probably induced by the onset of equilibrium after post-traumatic adjustment. Patient was seeking to recreate the stability of life in his 20s, even if that meant putting square pegs into round holes.
November 2009: ENFJ (Mentor) http://www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/enfj/ Deltas from ESFJ may have been induced by internal self-correcting mechanisms developed to prevent abuse of the savior identity.

So go ahead and throw your people at me; we'll see what comes out of that alchemy. If it doesn't kill me, then it will make me stronger than one could ever imagine.

Always a work in progress. Shooting for immortality.

Lens of Verbs

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 04:40:58 GMT

"Don't think about who you want. Think about the behaviors you want."
-Juli Lee

Lens of Verbs: Strip away every noun and every adjective... Look only at the verbs. Do you still want this in your life?

Favorite Word

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 13:51:54 GMT

"Badass"

On a related note, life has been really good, lately.

She's Making Me Sexist by Being so Hot... That Bitch!

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 04:24:13 GMT

Credit for this one goes to Liz...

Lens of Androgyny: Would the situation still be perceived the same way if the gender were different? Why would gender be a factor, and is that a rational line of thought?

Misanthrope

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 01:08:21 GMT

I wanted to believe that the world really does not work this way, but... today felt like a perfect storm of knowing my place in the lives of various people around me.

I try my best to believe in something... but it feels like a punishment to follow those beliefs. The gods I worship seek pennance... a sacrifice seems appropriate.

Lense of Utility: Does being liked by the person yield benefits equal to or greater than the cost of maintaining the relationship?

The System of Debt

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 18:22:39 GMT

After buying that house, the last few months have been financially rough for me... At the same time, many of those I love have found themselves without income and/or fucked by debt. The realization is setting in that we live in a system where people will be living in debt for life. It got me to thinking... I am more likely to remain in debt for life than my parents, and if I have kids, they will be more likely to be fucked by debt than me.

Reasons:

We live in a society of education loans, car loans, and mortgages. This has not changed from the time of your parents, and it generally enables a more productive society
But houses, cars, medical care, and education are getting more expensive
Average incomes are not sufficiently compensating for the rise in costs
Interest Rates continue to grow, and
Fees and penalties continue to become more extreme and numerous with every passing year

Summary: Everything is more expensive, but we are not making higher salaries to compensate; therefore, a life of debt will become more prevalent with every passing generation.

A person who makes $50,000 today is much poorer than a person who makes $50,000 twenty years ago. More and more folks will remain "renters for life". Retirement is a ticking time bomb. Banks and credit cards charge poor folks high interest rates and penalty fees for being poor while rich folks get paid high interest rates as a reward for being rich. The amount of money in the world is the same, but the imaginary money being generated by the system of interest rates allocates resources towards concentrated gravity wells that do not evenly distribute back into the societal ecosystem. The rich will become richer, and the poor will fall further into entropy. Differences in lifestyle between the rich and poor will diverge to the point where society fractures into two separate classes even more than it already has.

Those who are stuck paying minimum payments have it the worst. Banks and credit card companies make their money from interest rates and penalty fees. It has already become a gambling game to the creditors... debts are an investment commodity that can be bought, sold, and passed around amongst dealers like chips at a poker table. An entire industry has been created that can sustain itself on the concept of interest and fees and casino tactics supported by our legal system. That system will not change unless a crisis occurs. There is nothing we can do, but wait for this crisis to happen.

But on our side, we can evaluate our own sense of entitlement on what we are supposed to get out of life in this world. What do we really need? What do we want that we can do without? We have human needs relating to Maslow's Hierarchy: Physiology, Safety, Communion, Esteem, Actualization, and maybe even Transcendence. The motivation to fulfill these needs is what drives our spending behavior.

Money was a concept initially created as a substitute for personal time in a bartering society. It used to equate to direct services or goods. The system became corrupt when money, itself, became seen as a good that could be traded for more money.

I'm going to try something new.... I am declaring war on those industries that sustain themselves solely on interest rates and penalty fees. My credit is actually decent at this time, but I've been watching these companies victimize my friends for far too many years. I can change my living habits and find ways to entertain myself that get me the fuck out of debt as quickly as possible.

AND I am going to take my beloved friends with me!

Composition

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 06:27:38 GMT

Been spending the last few nights working on THE song.
The basic layers are complete.

The progression is there, and the chorus and harmonies mix well, but the loops are way too obvious. After getting some advice from a wise musician, I realize that I need to make that heartbeat star of the song change its identity as the song progresses into new phases.

The craftsmanship is also a bit... rough. I have a lot to learn about Ableton Live, midi controllers, and recording my own voice to account for microphone lag on the timing. I don't want to, but it looks like I might need to invest in more equipment as I'm finding the headphones insufficient for proper audio tuning.

There is still a lot of work to do. Every time I listen to the song, there is something to change, evolve, and remove. At this rate, I don't see things finishing for at least another two weeks assuming I can continue to work on this every night.

After this one, I will keep my promise to Damien and make him that special ring tone he has been dreaming of.

Novelty and Friendship

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 05:11:10 GMT

The Lens of Novelty: How much of this is truly sustainable? Would you still keep going at this once the novelty wears off and daily life settles back in?
The Lens of Temporal Resources: If time is the only personal resource we truly own, is the willingness to share time reciprocated? Compared to the time you spend with your closest friends minus obligations?

Secret project #342: Lenses

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 02:00:49 GMT

Initiating secret project #342... I'm going to be off the grid for a while.

But before I do, I want to leave these lenses to start off with...

Lens of No History: Would I still let this continue if I could only remember the last 8 minutes?
Lens of Infinite Time: How would being an immortal affect my choices?
Lens of the Ultimate Badass: What would somebody more badass than me do?

Divergence... Heroes and Villains

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 17:23:03 GMT

Start with one hero.
Remove the hero's identity.
Reset everything.
Will that hero still be a hero?

If you challenge a being's faith in reality, then a new reality will emerge.
Reality is identity.
Living things eventually fix themselves.

Flip a coin: Either way, things you touch will change.

Today...

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 01:02:00 GMT

Today, I...

Shook the current Mayor's hand
Realized that I can't remember anything from Christmas of last year no matter how hard I try
Recognized that intense running to dangerous exhaustion is my way of going to church to talk to my god

New Favorite Backyard Activity

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 15:58:31 GMT

Slicing bamboo stalks with Katana Blade

A favor to ask of my readers

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 23:29:28 GMT

Can you vote for my SXSW Panels (if you like 'em?)

All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up.

Sunscreen

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 03:30:45 GMT

(by Mary Schmich)

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, "sunscreen" would be it.

The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,

whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice NOW!

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.

Oh, never mind.

You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.

But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future.
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind,

The kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy.
Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.

The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive.

Forget the insults.

If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters.

Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives.
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees.

You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll divorce at 40.

Maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much,

or berate yourself either.

Your choices are half chance.

So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body.
Use it every way you can.

Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it.

It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance

Even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines.

They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents.

You never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings.

They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,

but with a precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get,

the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in "New York City" once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in "Northern California" once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel

Accept certain inalienable truths:
Prices will rise.

Politicians will philander.

You, too, will get old.

And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young,

prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you.

Maybe you have a trust fund.

Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse.

But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy,

but be patient with those who supply it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia.

Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,

wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Themes of August 2009

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 22:52:40 GMT

Reality Bend Spell

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 13:06:35 GMT

The first phase of the spell is giving form to the seemingly intangible circumstance... by assigning a shape and definition to that which seems formless, we open up an opportunity to change that tangible form into another tangible form.

Our vocabulary can be a weapon. By giving form to the formless, we cause that aspect of reality to become vulnerable to our intentions.
___

The second phase of the spell is definition of the desired form. This is your target. At the end of the spell, your declaration will become true. Defining a target allows you to decide whether to continue or stop this process.

Once decided, the will to follow through is given a tangible form of its own, and this enables the user to cast the spell with full conviction.
___

The third phase of the spell is the transformation. It requires that you understand the movable parts of that tangible form to surgically alter its signature. No matter how difficult it may seem, You MUST move parts to see changes. The parts will not move without external actions. If somebody else moves the part, you are dependent on their intentions, which will turn out to be either lucky or unlucky for you.

Going from current state to desired state requires verbs.
___

The fourth and final phase is acknowledgment of the new tangible form. This is confirmation that your spell is finished. By declaring that the spell is done, you essentially cast a spell to declare the change itself as having tangible form.

When the change becomes real, its effect becomes real.

Judging Value: The Identity Compass

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 07:14:24 GMT

For anything to be considered of worthy value, it must be attained through a sufficient ordeal. Suffering is the true currency through which we gain the attention of souls.

Time is the only resource we truly own... we have only a finite amount to spend on ourself and others... and we will never have enough time to please everybody whose path we cross. Disappointment on both sides is inevitable.

"What do I want?"

Truth makes happen what needs to happen... and so when faced with a difficult choice, you can only refer to your personal compass to guide you towards the identity you are willing to bond with... for your truth is your identity, and there is no absolute truth as much as there is a truth that you choose to fall in love with for that time in your life.

To believe in something... to have a policy on your actions is to protect yourself from future regrets by staying true to the identity you have chosen for yourself. When faced with a difficult choice, then the path that coincides with who you want to be is the right path because the difficult choice itself is marked by suffering and, therefore, is a decision of worthy value that can define you, or at the very least, reinforce who you are.

Being who you are might mean hurting others, but it has to be that way because obligation at the sacrifice of identity is never a valid path to happiness.

You always have a choice on who you want to be.
You always have the option to just wake up one day and choose to be "that person".

"What is my identity?"

Sometimes, the situation is too chemically charged to see what you need to see. That is why we develop a relationship with "the other"... the friend, the confidant, the god, the goddess... "The other" is a sentient representation of the universe that we trust with our identity. The other can be a living human being, or it can be something more abstract. We keep a piece of our soul with the other so that if we ever lose ourself, we can simply refer to "the other" to be reminded of our own reflection.

"What do I want to become?"

Choices are an opportunity to expand the definition of who we are. Once defined in a new area, subsequent choices in the future can become more apparent.

My "other" would tell me this:

Let your intentions drive your reality instead of the other way around. Visualize the lego castle you wish to have... and one by one, those missing pieces will find their place because you will explore, and you will discover, build, and place them with your own hands. Define your target: Your self-intended identity, the reality you seek - That is your compass. Follow that, and all of your choices eventually become the choice you needed to make at the time to evolve the complex entity that is you.

Super...Human?

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 12:58:45 GMT

The thing about shape shifters is... they eventually succumb to madness.

Today

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 14:16:20 GMT

Today is the day
that it all goes to hell.
It starts with a whisper
and ends with sixteen bells.

You start out with nothing
Believing in something
And throughout it all,
you hear the bells ring.

Ringing and ringing,
a dark scattered singing
The bells won't stop stinging

But the tears you weep
The friends you keep
and the love you reap
lead you to that truth you seek.

Today is the day
that it all comes together,
In the present as I am
and with this weather.

New Thing: No More Promises

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 11:47:30 GMT

I'm trying this new thing...

No More Promises

... because we are creatures of emotion. And emotions are driven by our present situation. Always.

Promises can either be an easy goal to achieve or they can be a prison of words. In the case of the latter, nobody is happy.

And happy is what we're trying to achieve.

Identity Restore

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 03:51:59 GMT

Last night and today, I am reminded of a fundamental truth...

My friends range from professional to geeky to saccharin sweet to stoned to yagerbomb drunk... and I am a combination of all of them.

Whenever I feel lost and without center, I can go to my friends and be reminded of who I am after all is said and done. For whatever reason, I am the one that they choose to be with.

Thank you for remembering what I'm supposed to be.

The Looking Glass Amplifier

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 03:26:46 GMT

"You're not a mirror, Kain."

"Then what am I?"

"You're a signal amplifier. A love freak. You absorb identities from those around you, and then you project the amplified identity back in their general direction. To the nice ones, you become a saint. The assholes see you as uber asshole. And the apathetic ones believe that you have a life that has no room for them. It's almost perfect."

"Almost?"

"Almost. You waste a lot of energy by collecting so many signals that your systems get internal interference. You have no sense of identity because your system is overloaded with all of the input you've been getting. That is why you've been such a recluse, lately... because you've stopped generating signals of your own. Focus on meaningful inputs. You'll be able to adopt a consistent identity and project a more focused signal that actually belongs to you. You've been focusing your reception on a lot of dead receivers. That energy goes nowhere. Hence, you are stretched thin and exhausted with very little to show for it."

"What does that mean?"

"It means... Quit fucking collecting and holding on to people as if they were goddamn Pokemons. You can't amplify all of those reflections without losing yourself in the process."

"Fuck you, Goodwill :)"

"Fuck you, too, Kain :)"

Origin Story

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 04:07:02 GMT

"Have you met her yet?"

"Yeah I met her! I went out on a first date with her last year and met her boyfriend and her daughter, and then we went to Jack in the Box. I had a patty melt and some muthafuckin' curly fries, yo!"

The Underlying Cycle

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 04:24:28 GMT

George C. Vaillant met his wife at the age of 29 in 1930. He was a prominent anthropologist working on pre-Columbian Aztec digs. She was the daughter of a successful expatriate American banker. Together, they had a storybook romance. His son would be born 4 years later in 1934; George C. Vaillant was 33 at the time. At the age of 35, he gave up the excavation lifestyle and settled down in the world of museums and universities. The family of three led a charmed life. During the time of the Great Depression, they employed a nurse, a maid, and a cook within their household. George C. Vaillant continued his life as a successful museum curator, professor, published writer, and father... until 1945.

At the age of 44, George C. Vaillant was found by his wife... dead in their own back yard from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.

His son, George E. Vaillant (Jr.), was 10 years old at the time. He was the last to see his father alive.

The boy grew up to eventually graduate from Harvard Medical School with a degree in psychiatry. In 1967, he began a study that was originally inspired by a 25 year reunion book sent for his father which depicted the progression of college students to the age of 47. This famous study would be known as "The Grant Study", and it followed the lives of 268 Harvard Graduates from the classes of 1939 - 1944. George Jr. was 33 at the time, and it would become his life's work to study the lives of these 268 individuals from then to the present day.

He was channeling his own needs into service: "Why did my father kill himself when he had so much going for him?"

The Grant study paved new grounds in the study of "happiness" as a science. It was revolutionary to consider the mental state of a person as something that can be described as "health". He went on further to draw an analogy between physical wounds and mental wounds:

When the body is physically wounded, defense mechanisms kick in to protect and heal the wound. Blood clots, scar tissue forms
When the psyche is wounded, defense mechanisms kick in to protect and heal the wound...
- Level 1 (Psychotic Defenses): Denial, Distortion, Delusions (of persecution)
- Level 2 (Immature Defenses): Fantasy, Projection (Paranoia, Prejudice, Jealousy, Hypervigilance, Perceptions of Extreme Injustice), Hypochondriasis, Passive Aggression, Subliminal Impulses, Idealization
- Level 3 (Neurotic Defenses): Displacement, Dissociation, Isolation, Intellectualization, Rationalization, Reaction Formations (Doing the opposite of what is desired), Repression, Regression
- Level 4 (Mature Defenses): Altruism, Anticipation, Humor, Identification (What would X do?), Introjection (This is what I am), Sublimation, Suppression

Dr. Vaillant was seen as a pioneer in his field who stressed the importance of intimacy and love, as it is our connections with people that serve as the keys to our own happiness.

Yet the very themes that he preached were the ones that he struggles with most in his own life. For all of his success as an expert in the field of happiness, George was noted by a close friend as a person who "has a problem with intimacy". Throughout the course of his life, he would be married three times. He currently lives with his second wife, to whom he returned after leaving her for the third wife. Four of his five children have gone for long periods without talking to him. With lucid cognizance, Dr. Vaillant describes himself as a "disconnected, narcissistic father" who has given his own family more than an ordinary share of woes.

His father's traumatic suicide was a double-edged sword that had changed his life forever. He gave up his own persistent Communion to become a manifestation of Agency to give his father's death meaningful context. George E. Vaillant died at the age of 10 when his father died, and in that child's place emerged an insatiable unbridled formless energy that would help millions around the world understand what may have happened to his father that day in their back yard.

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