KainAsylum

Flashback

2010-01-04T15:29:50Z

From last year...

Quote:

Originally posted by seiha
- What's your most favorite game of all time? Console?

Chrono Trigger - It addresses some common annoyances about JRPGS (Japanese Role-Playing Games) by making battle sequences not feel like an interruption. The time-travel laden story rocked! The execution of the combinatorial combat system felt gratifying. The soundtrack was awesome. Everything about this game was very well executed for its time... and no JRPG has ever matched this level of polish, since.
Deus Ex - For all its technical flaws, bad art, and rough edges... It took a while for me to realize just how special the game was. It wasn't until long after I finished the game that I noticed that I had never played a game that gave me that level of interactivity combined with choice. It introduced me to a new kind of fiction-based game enjoyment.
Soul Calibur Series - As much as I love fighting games, this was the first full fighting game game that valued psychological strategy over memorization and precision execution. And by strategy, I'm not just talking positional strategy (as done in the Smash Bros series), but psychological strategy was a key component of the game. Your intentions come across smoothly in the game, and there really isn't any concept of dial-a-combo or practiced dexterity to reward veterans. The only difference between a veteran and a beginner Soul Calibur player is the training of psychological patterns.
Rez - Because it is art in every aspect of the word.
Radiant Silvergun - because it is teh kewl. Best shmup ever. Nothing has come close since. I want another shmup that gices you EXP per weapon type.
Planescape Torment. Because it did not label me as good or evil. It allowed me to play within a system that I had agency in to perform actions and have the world react in a way that was neither good nor evil... but just a manifestation of who I am. I like having real choices with meaningful consequences, and I do not like being labeled by an external party with a good/evil meter as I make these choices. The label needs to come from within... because maybe I really am evil, but I don't want to admit it or have the game tell me what I am.

At the end of the day, games are about the story or level of interaction within a simulated or actual social framework for me. I do not want to learn how to use a tool unless that usage has some significance to the real world, somehow. Chrono Trigger's relevance to the real world was in its flawless delivery of an art form that inspired me to enter an industry where I, too, might some day work on a labor of love. Deus Ex showed me how a game might cause me to actually explore my own internal morality in a meaningful way; it actually broke the fourth wall to cause me to explore myself. And Soul Caliburâ€¦. well, unlike other fighting games, I can learn a lot about a person by playing a few rounds of Soul Calibur with them.

As for a favorite console. I have no favorite weapon, these days... although I was partial to the Dreamcast, back when I used to care about such things. I treat the console wars post-Dreamcast like I treat politics post-last election.

Cognizance

2009-12-26T22:48:42Z

My mom changed her mind and decided to do it all out for Christmas. She took the day off to cook. I was happy that we might actually have a normal Christmas. When I arrived, I told her about the good things in my life. She responded in her usual way by warning me of all possible dangers. Everything was a potential danger that would end in disaster... just like my father's life, just like her life, just like mine....

Now I remembered what it was about visiting her that I dreaded. Nobody is better at pushing my buttons than my mom. She made those buttons. I went off on her and grabbed my stuff to leave immediately. She didn't understand why... and I explained to her what just happened: That I came to tell her some good news and she responds by pointing out all impending dangers... Nothing positive, no shared happiness. Just doom and gloom in response to everything I said regardless of the content of my sentences or the circumstances communicated to her. I explained that if I want to listen to that, I can do that over the phone in Austin to save myself time and gas money just to listen to an inanimate tape recorder stuck on repeat.

We sat down and talked some more after that. I listened to her try to explain why she is so afraid of the worst. We discussed the nature of her anxiety to her as best as I could in English. And then I told her that I inherited that anxiety disorder from her... so I understand her fears, but I believe that we don't have to be afraid of everything. This calmed her down. I think for a moment, she was able to transcend her emotions and go "meta" on her own pattern.

Then she reverted back to beginning every sentence with "be careful...". I decided to stay and eat, anyway; for that would be my duty as a son to the woman who birthed me. I wish I had a mother that was capable of being less like a Pavlovian animal about her interactions, but I suppose this is the best I can hope for in light of where our focus was during the formative years. Growing up, my focus was on social acceptance, as that was the greatest threat to me during my formative years. For my mom, her focus was and will always be about survival.

I hate visiting her. I don't think I can do it more than once per year. It won't matter, anyway. She is a broken shard of a soul stuck in an infinite loop. Whatever sense of awareness she ever had in her has been destroyed by fear, anxiety, and the verbal/physical abuse my father dealt her. There is nothing left but the belief that she will always be a potential victim of circumstances beyond her control in a world that is out to get her.

I couldn't save her. I can't save her. This is who she is now... and who she wants to be... The world makes sense to her when it is hostile in nature. The belief that she understands safety allows her to feel a sense of control over her life. It all comes down to that - The mechanisms we develop in order to control our own happiness - Identity.

Mortality

2009-12-25T04:21:11Z

A recent reminder of my mortality brought some things to the surface...

When my father was dying, I asked him if he had any plans.
He said he was going to recover and write more articles for the Korean newspaper.
I asked him what he would write about.
He said he would write about important things.
He just wanted to write. He wanted to be important. He wanted to be remembered. He just did not want to be dead.

He did not know that I was asked to sign the paper that would end his kidney dialysis treatments so that he could finally die.

I asked him that question because I needed to know if he was ready to die.
His life would end... but I wanted it to be on his own terms.

I asked him if he had any words of wisdom about life... about his life. Anything he thought about in the recent months he had been bedridden in the hospital. He didn't have anything to say about life and was annoyed that I would ask such a question. He then asked me if I was here to find out about "Operation Jasper" in Vietnam... because he will never talk to anybody about that unless I was his commanding officer.

I signed the paper. Because he never did. He died on my terms instead of his.

In the following years, I would ask myself if I did the right thing... if his death was premature... if his life was fulfilled enough to where some part of him may have felt closure about the whole thing.

I began to examine the lives of others... of myself... but especially the lives of old people. I could not help wonder if the elderly thought about their own mortality a lot. That concept is horrifying to me. The prospect and fear of dying quickly consumed me after that day; I am running out of time... and I'm not ready.

The questions I wanted my father to answer on his deathbed were...

Are you ready?
Why or why not?

I could not get these answers from him. These types of answers can only come from the self. It was my father's inadvertent last gift to me... those questions became my personal compass. I want my answer to the first question to be yes, and I intend to have a solid answer for the second question complete with tangible conditions of satisfaction.

A recent reminder of my mortality brought some things to the surface. Brandee the unicorn let me borrow her book: The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. It was a lecture he gave to his students knowing that he was dying from pancreatic cancer. In actuality, it was a lecture for his children who would grow up without him. I saw the video last year, and it touched me deeply. Reading the book revitalized some of the triggers and solidified the concepts I had formed from watching that video of a dying man's last lecture.

Everybody takes away their own things from a lecture. Here is how I filtered it:

Get the fundamentals down or else the fancy stuff won't work
When you're screwing up and nobody is saying anything to you anymore, then that means they've given up
Focus on people, or else your potential will always be limited
Storytelling is the ultimate universal context that justifies our actions as human beings and serves as the core of our motivations
Get a feedback loop and listen to it
Time is the only resource we truly own, and we have only a finite amount

It is Christmas Eve. I have grown to dread this part of the year because it reminds me of just how not-like-the-others my world really is. I am home alone because my only remaining family (my mother) is working today and tomorrow. Logistics work out easier for her if I visit her at work. We will most likely have Christmas dinner at some Asian restaurant somewhere in Houston. This is partially why I left Austin for France... because that way, I would at least have an excuse for being home alone on Christmas Eve.

Time.... we only have so much of it left... and we keep wanting things. How is it that I am 34 years old, but I still live my life like a kid who just moved out of his parents' home? Because I keep thinking that home exists elsewhere. Except there is no elsewhere for me... and that truth only becomes apparent during this one short time of the year. So I typically just shut down in December... Wake up in January and forget that December ever happened. This is how I have been able to prevent things from changing all these years.

I realize now that my little idiosyncrasies have manifested in various productive and destructive ways over the years. I own these idiosyncrasies, now... There is no reason I can't just paint my own picture of the world for myself and others.

I'll start simple: I want a non-awkward Christmas... The kind that most people dread because they have to spend time with their stressful family. That sounds like a blast! I can make it happen. I can make my house feel like a home. I can bring it to a point where my mom might even enjoy visiting my "home" when she feels like going on a "holiday". That sounds like a good goal to have.

Maybe next year, I can introduce my mom to that Christmas feeling in a Christmased house... I don't really know what that means, but I think I can fake it til I make it to be just like the rest of you.

Lenses of Truths

2009-12-08T10:45:14Z

It is now 4:24am. I really do need an electric blanket if I am going to make it through the winter in this house without central heating.

The Lens project was started by Kain in 2009 as a result of a suspicion he had that his perceptions of truth at the time were broken and leading to harmful actions towards the self.

The purpose of the lens project is to see truth from as many different angles as possible.

There is no real truth. It is all relative to our own perception and willingness to believe. However, examining "truths" under multiple contexts increases the possibility that resultant actions within this multiverse would lead to optimal outcomes for this particular iteration of the timeline.

Lens of Maslow - For the effort you are about to spend time on, which level of Maslow's Hierarchy are you addressing? Are lower levels of the pyramid sufficiently fulfilled for you to be prioritizing this level, right now?
Lens of Three - The three components of reality (Input->Processing->Output) can be roughly visualized as Money->Health->Social. Maximizing this flow can be a goal of many people. Are your current actions addressing any particular bottlenecks for this flow? Might you be focusing on a category that is already in excess and does not require your attention as much as the other two categories?

Thanksgiving 2009

2009-11-27T20:20:46Z

When I wake up with a massive hangover and a blanket on top of me... that is when I know I have the best friends a guy could ever want.

And then they took a picture of me with my own camera before carrying me to the couch.

Set the Fire to the Third Bar

2009-11-14T19:11:22Z

Life has been really good lately.
Is this real? Can it really be this good without some form of strife to overcome?
No drama. How is this possible?
Is it really supposed to be this easy? Why wasn't it this easy before? What changed?
Was it me... or did I just get lucky?

There are two parts of the puzzle: What to DO, and How to BE.
I always knew what to DO, but I could never quite get a good way to BE.
I now realize that BEing is the second order integral of DOing.
What to BE is the compass that governs what to DO.
I woke up one day and told myself that I will just BE "that person".
Without fear.
Without regret.
Without remorse.
Without excuse.
I can't control the world around me, but I can control the choices I make at any one time.

I am reminded of this old entry from 2007:
http://kainasylum.livejournal.com/72475.html
I am something else, now.
And it is good.

ENFJ - "Pedagogue of Humanity"

2009-11-02T18:31:30Z

First test taken in 2005: INTJ (Mastermind) http://kainasylum.livejournal.com/5361.html Asshole mastermind
Feb 2008: ENTJ (Field Marshall) http://kainasylum.livejournal.com/80706.html Mass movement rally seeker. Deltas from INTJ probably instigated by a combination of traumatic life changes, psycho-socio engineering, and drugs with the goal of establishing a new identity to complete destruction of the old one
Mar 2009: ESFJ (Guardian Provider) http://kainasylum.livejournal.com/125264.html Hero complex on overload. Deltas from ENTJ probably induced by the onset of equilibrium after post-traumatic adjustment. Patient was seeking to recreate the stability of life in his 20s, even if that meant putting square pegs into round holes.
November 2009: ENFJ (Mentor) http://www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/enfj/ Deltas from ESFJ may have been induced by internal self-correcting mechanisms developed to prevent abuse of the savior identity.

So go ahead and throw your people at me; we'll see what comes out of that alchemy. If it doesn't kill me, then it will make me stronger than one could ever imagine.

Always a work in progress. Shooting for immortality.

Lens of Verbs

2009-10-14T04:40:58Z

"Don't think about who you want. Think about the behaviors you want."
-Juli Lee

Lens of Verbs: Strip away every noun and every adjective... Look only at the verbs. Do you still want this in your life?

Favorite Word

2009-10-08T13:51:54Z

"Badass"

On a related note, life has been really good, lately.

She's Making Me Sexist by Being so Hot... That Bitch!

2009-10-07T04:24:13Z

Credit for this one goes to Liz...

Lens of Androgyny: Would the situation still be perceived the same way if the gender were different? Why would gender be a factor, and is that a rational line of thought?

Misanthrope

2009-10-05T01:08:21Z

I wanted to believe that the world really does not work this way, but... today felt like a perfect storm of knowing my place in the lives of various people around me.

I try my best to believe in something... but it feels like a punishment to follow those beliefs. The gods I worship seek pennance... a sacrifice seems appropriate.

Lense of Utility: Does being liked by the person yield benefits equal to or greater than the cost of maintaining the relationship?

The System of Debt

2009-10-03T18:22:39Z

After buying that house, the last few months have been financially rough for me... At the same time, many of those I love have found themselves without income and/or fucked by debt. The realization is setting in that we live in a system where people will be living in debt for life. It got me to thinking... I am more likely to remain in debt for life than my parents, and if I have kids, they will be more likely to be fucked by debt than me.

Reasons:

We live in a society of education loans, car loans, and mortgages. This has not changed from the time of your parents, and it generally enables a more productive society
But houses, cars, medical care, and education are getting more expensive
Average incomes are not sufficiently compensating for the rise in costs
Interest Rates continue to grow, and
Fees and penalties continue to become more extreme and numerous with every passing year

Summary: Everything is more expensive, but we are not making higher salaries to compensate; therefore, a life of debt will become more prevalent with every passing generation.

A person who makes $50,000 today is much poorer than a person who makes $50,000 twenty years ago. More and more folks will remain "renters for life". Retirement is a ticking time bomb. Banks and credit cards charge poor folks high interest rates and penalty fees for being poor while rich folks get paid high interest rates as a reward for being rich. The amount of money in the world is the same, but the imaginary money being generated by the system of interest rates allocates resources towards concentrated gravity wells that do not evenly distribute back into the societal ecosystem. The rich will become richer, and the poor will fall further into entropy. Differences in lifestyle between the rich and poor will diverge to the point where society fractures into two separate classes even more than it already has.

Those who are stuck paying minimum payments have it the worst. Banks and credit card companies make their money from interest rates and penalty fees. It has already become a gambling game to the creditors... debts are an investment commodity that can be bought, sold, and passed around amongst dealers like chips at a poker table. An entire industry has been created that can sustain itself on the concept of interest and fees and casino tactics supported by our legal system. That system will not change unless a crisis occurs. There is nothing we can do, but wait for this crisis to happen.

But on our side, we can evaluate our own sense of entitlement on what we are supposed to get out of life in this world. What do we really need? What do we want that we can do without? We have human needs relating to Maslow's Hierarchy: Physiology, Safety, Communion, Esteem, Actualization, and maybe even Transcendence. The motivation to fulfill these needs is what drives our spending behavior.

Money was a concept initially created as a substitute for personal time in a bartering society. It used to equate to direct services or goods. The system became corrupt when money, itself, became seen as a good that could be traded for more money.

I'm going to try something new.... I am declaring war on those industries that sustain themselves solely on interest rates and penalty fees. My credit is actually decent at this time, but I've been watching these companies victimize my friends for far too many years. I can change my living habits and find ways to entertain myself that get me the fuck out of debt as quickly as possible.

AND I am going to take my beloved friends with me!

Composition

2009-10-02T06:27:38Z

Been spending the last few nights working on THE song.
The basic layers are complete.

The progression is there, and the chorus and harmonies mix well, but the loops are way too obvious. After getting some advice from a wise musician, I realize that I need to make that heartbeat star of the song change its identity as the song progresses into new phases.

The craftsmanship is also a bit... rough. I have a lot to learn about Ableton Live, midi controllers, and recording my own voice to account for microphone lag on the timing. I don't want to, but it looks like I might need to invest in more equipment as I'm finding the headphones insufficient for proper audio tuning.

There is still a lot of work to do. Every time I listen to the song, there is something to change, evolve, and remove. At this rate, I don't see things finishing for at least another two weeks assuming I can continue to work on this every night.

After this one, I will keep my promise to Damien and make him that special ring tone he has been dreaming of.

Novelty and Friendship

2009-09-28T05:11:10Z

The Lens of Novelty: How much of this is truly sustainable? Would you still keep going at this once the novelty wears off and daily life settles back in?
The Lens of Temporal Resources: If time is the only personal resource we truly own, is the willingness to share time reciprocated? Compared to the time you spend with your closest friends minus obligations?

Secret project #342: Lenses

2009-09-27T02:00:49Z

Initiating secret project #342... I'm going to be off the grid for a while.

But before I do, I want to leave these lenses to start off with...

Lens of No History: Would I still let this continue if I could only remember the last 8 minutes?
Lens of Infinite Time: How would being an immortal affect my choices?
Lens of the Ultimate Badass: What would somebody more badass than me do?

Divergence... Heroes and Villains

2009-09-19T17:23:03Z

Start with one hero.
Remove the hero's identity.
Reset everything.
Will that hero still be a hero?

If you challenge a being's faith in reality, then a new reality will emerge.
Reality is identity.
Living things eventually fix themselves.

Flip a coin: Either way, things you touch will change.

Today...

2009-09-02T01:02:00Z

Today, I...

Shook the current Mayor's hand
Realized that I can't remember anything from Christmas of last year no matter how hard I try
Recognized that intense running to dangerous exhaustion is my way of going to church to talk to my god

New Favorite Backyard Activity

2009-08-30T15:58:31Z

Slicing bamboo stalks with Katana Blade

A favor to ask of my readers

2009-08-27T23:29:28Z

Can you vote for my SXSW Panels (if you like 'em?)

All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up.

Sunscreen

2009-08-23T03:30:45Z

(by Mary Schmich)

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, "sunscreen" would be it.

The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,

whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice NOW!

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.

Oh, never mind.

You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.

But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future.
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind,

The kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy.
Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.

The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive.

Forget the insults.

If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters.

Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives.
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees.

You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll divorce at 40.

Maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much,

or berate yourself either.

Your choices are half chance.

So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body.
Use it every way you can.

Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it.

It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance

Even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines.

They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents.

You never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings.

They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,

but with a precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get,

the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in "New York City" once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in "Northern California" once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel

Accept certain inalienable truths:
Prices will rise.

Politicians will philander.

You, too, will get old.

And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young,

prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you.

Maybe you have a trust fund.

Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse.

But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy,

but be patient with those who supply it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia.

Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,

wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Themes of August 2009

2009-08-17T22:52:40Z

Reality Bend Spell

2009-08-12T13:06:35Z

The first phase of the spell is giving form to the seemingly intangible circumstance... by assigning a shape and definition to that which seems formless, we open up an opportunity to change that tangible form into another tangible form.

Our vocabulary can be a weapon. By giving form to the formless, we cause that aspect of reality to become vulnerable to our intentions.
___

The second phase of the spell is definition of the desired form. This is your target. At the end of the spell, your declaration will become true. Defining a target allows you to decide whether to continue or stop this process.

Once decided, the will to follow through is given a tangible form of its own, and this enables the user to cast the spell with full conviction.
___

The third phase of the spell is the transformation. It requires that you understand the movable parts of that tangible form to surgically alter its signature. No matter how difficult it may seem, You MUST move parts to see changes. The parts will not move without external actions. If somebody else moves the part, you are dependent on their intentions, which will turn out to be either lucky or unlucky for you.

Going from current state to desired state requires verbs.
___

The fourth and final phase is acknowledgment of the new tangible form. This is confirmation that your spell is finished. By declaring that the spell is done, you essentially cast a spell to declare the change itself as having tangible form.

When the change becomes real, its effect becomes real.

Judging Value: The Identity Compass

2009-08-08T07:14:24Z

For anything to be considered of worthy value, it must be attained through a sufficient ordeal. Suffering is the true currency through which we gain the attention of souls.

Time is the only resource we truly own... we have only a finite amount to spend on ourself and others... and we will never have enough time to please everybody whose path we cross. Disappointment on both sides is inevitable.

"What do I want?"

Truth makes happen what needs to happen... and so when faced with a difficult choice, you can only refer to your personal compass to guide you towards the identity you are willing to bond with... for your truth is your identity, and there is no absolute truth as much as there is a truth that you choose to fall in love with for that time in your life.

To believe in something... to have a policy on your actions is to protect yourself from future regrets by staying true to the identity you have chosen for yourself. When faced with a difficult choice, then the path that coincides with who you want to be is the right path because the difficult choice itself is marked by suffering and, therefore, is a decision of worthy value that can define you, or at the very least, reinforce who you are.

Being who you are might mean hurting others, but it has to be that way because obligation at the sacrifice of identity is never a valid path to happiness.

You always have a choice on who you want to be.
You always have the option to just wake up one day and choose to be "that person".

"What is my identity?"

Sometimes, the situation is too chemically charged to see what you need to see. That is why we develop a relationship with "the other"... the friend, the confidant, the god, the goddess... "The other" is a sentient representation of the universe that we trust with our identity. The other can be a living human being, or it can be something more abstract. We keep a piece of our soul with the other so that if we ever lose ourself, we can simply refer to "the other" to be reminded of our own reflection.

"What do I want to become?"

Choices are an opportunity to expand the definition of who we are. Once defined in a new area, subsequent choices in the future can become more apparent.

My "other" would tell me this:

Let your intentions drive your reality instead of the other way around. Visualize the lego castle you wish to have... and one by one, those missing pieces will find their place because you will explore, and you will discover, build, and place them with your own hands. Define your target: Your self-intended identity, the reality you seek - That is your compass. Follow that, and all of your choices eventually become the choice you needed to make at the time to evolve the complex entity that is you.

Super...Human?

2009-08-05T12:58:45Z

The thing about shape shifters is... they eventually succumb to madness.

Today

2009-07-25T14:16:20Z

Today is the day
that it all goes to hell.
It starts with a whisper
and ends with sixteen bells.

You start out with nothing
Believing in something
And throughout it all,
you hear the bells ring.

Ringing and ringing,
a dark scattered singing
The bells won't stop stinging

But the tears you weep
The friends you keep
and the love you reap
lead you to that truth you seek.

Today is the day
that it all comes together,
In the present as I am
and with this weather.