kainasylum

The role of suffering is not just to give meaning to things, but to give meaning to things so that you can become aware of that meaning in relation to your identity and from there, decide to either keep it or amputate that piece of your identity.

Seeing my father's death firsthand and being responsible for it (wishing it, even) does strange things to a person.  For me, it kicked off a series of events that kept me restless to the point of turning my world upside down in order to make "family" an irrelevant concept.  I married the blade because the ring would eventually be broken, and I didn't want to get involved in that inevitable failure... because everybody dies, eventually.

It's all coming together, now... the events over the past three years on this eve of my self-imposed exodus from Austin; The pattern includes both, turning nothing into something AND being able to will something into nothing.  Expansion and collapse.  Creation and Destruction.  If Agency operates along the axis of time, then Creation and Destruction operate along the axis of Communion.  In other words, communion is our reality.  Our reality is defined by a combination of our own perceptions plus the perception of others.  At any one time, creation or destruction of communion is happening.  There is never an equilibrium between those two forces as they are perpetually in motion against each other due to the binary nature of inertia versus agency as if there were some universal constant analogous to the coefficient of static friction.

Creation and Destruction.  There is only a finite amount of reality that we are willing to process; like flipsides of a coin, you can't have creation without equal destruction.  Reality is constantly being recycled.  Every sentient being is their own universe who goes through their early life primarily expanding/creating reality and experiences a collapse/destruction of their reality in their twilight years.  Some expand more than others.  Some universes intersect and influence other universes more than others.  Some go through mini-cycles of major collapse and expansion before their twilight years...regrowing pieces of an identity that were either forcibly or willingly lost.

Communion == Reality == Universe
Conceptually, they are all the same to our psyches.  They all pertain to how we process input from the tangible world into resultant emotional states.

We spend most of our lives honing the ability to create, but few ever come to accept losing parts of their own world until old age when it becomes thematic.  And so we create, and collect, and hold on to what we collect until sorting becomes impossible.  The unsorted materials become ambiguous knick-knacks of mental baggage.  The amount of reality we can process is finite.  We can't just sit there and hope that it eventually sorts itself out or comes to us in some divine intervention or synchronicity.  In order to change the "fate" that we're on, we need to purposely destroy pieces of our reality (which may be small or large) and do work to form the desired alternate reality.  Our reality is our identity in the physical realm; letting it go can feel like tearing off an ailing limb.  It did feel like tearing off a limb, but unlike the physical realm, the cognitive realm can potentially regenerate lost parts with an option to upgrade.  If you keep letting go of these pieces of yourself, you eventually have nothing left to lose.  When you have nothing left to lose, you become a pure manifestation of Agency without the constraints of Communion.

That is when you become most god-like; when you have no form and exist only as actions.  Untouchable.  Intangible.  A weightless force of nature that is unbound by the chains of definition.  We're not there, yet... far from it, actually.  We have until December 21, 2012 to prevent the catastrophe from happening again.  All of this has happened before.  The pattern is a system, like any other; it can be reprogrammed.  But not without deletions.

Four years left.  Phase 1 has already begun.