kainasylum

I had a dream last night.

Civilians were trapped on top of a white train platform in the subway.  Their feet would not leave the platform.  Some unseen force was locking their feet onto the train.

As soon as I stepped on the platform, the civilians were free to go.  The unseen force was using the absence of me as a mechanism to trap the civilians on the platform.  Nobody understood what was happening or why they were suddenly able to walk away.  They noticed that as soon as I stepped on the platform, I was not able to move.  But they were free.  They walked away uncomfortably, averting their eyes from me as they passed, but that discomfort was unnecessary.  I was at peace with my fate.  This is what I was born to do.

It was just me and the unseen force, now.  We were all that remained.  A boss fight was about to ensue.

Positive Things I did on my birthday:

1. Playing with my Wii
2. Breakfast with Nathan
3. Playtesting Midway's Upcoming Blacksite Game - very fun
   
4. Visiting a Bohemian Art show at the Vortex - lots of women wearing nothing but paint on top
   
5. Having "surprise" birthday cake with Juli, Glenda, and Matthew

Birthdays and holidays always bring about a certain depression in me.  I suppose it might come from the expectations that surround such events.  This year was a lot heavier than most because this is my first birthday as a single person after almost 11 years.  I took care not to turn this into a special day by hiding the fact that it was my birthday from as many people as possible.  All throughout the day, I tried to focus on the good parts.  "Why do I get up in the morning?".  "Why can't everyday be like this day?".  More and more, I'm getting a better picture of how to live... but I'm still trying to figure that out.  I'll just keep on tripping random flags until a pattern manifests.

• Physical State - Still not good enough.  I'm smoking a lot less, now... almost non-existent smoking, actually.  My body habits need a lot of work.  Goal: Develop a morning routine that involves exercise as if I were Jason Bourne
  
• Mental State - There are definitely two different souls living in me: One is Batman ("Weapon"), the other is... somebody I don't recognize.  My patterns are being realigned.  My behavior matrix is being reconditioned.  Teaching the advanced game programming class at ACC taught me a lot about myself and my interactions with people.  Experiencing a relationship with someone other than Juli (Amanda D.) has allowed me to see the commonalities in the way I deal with relationships of the woman kind.  I am the constant.  I often wake up in he morning not knowing what kind of person I am going to be today.
  
• Career - I'm... a boss.  I'm a boss of other programmers.  I never thought this would happen to me, and I'm not comfortable with it.  My father really did a number on me when it comes to authority figures, but I suppose it is time to grow up.  I've always thought of myself as the useful lieutenant instead of the authoritative commander.  I intend to continue being the lieutenant.  If a commander were to apply for the job, I would gladly relinquish my title.  After all, it's just a title.  I'm not in this for the money.  My job is to get stuff done and help others get stuff done, and I can do that from any position no matter what my job title is.  I want to be a part of something beautiful, and I currently believe that Red Fly is the right place for this.