KainAsylum

EntropicFlip of the KainAsylum


Set the Fire to the Third Bar
me
[info]kainasylum
Life has been really good lately.
Is this real? Can it really be this good without some form of strife to overcome?
No drama. How is this possible?
Is it really supposed to be this easy? Why wasn't it this easy before? What changed?
Was it me... or did I just get lucky?

There are two parts of the puzzle: What to DO, and How to BE.
I always knew what to DO, but I could never quite get a good way to BE.
I now realize that BEing is the second order integral of DOing.
What to BE is the compass that governs what to DO.
I woke up one day and told myself that I will just BE "that person".
Without fear.
Without regret.
Without remorse.
Without excuse.
I can't control the world around me, but I can control the choices I make at any one time.

I am reminded of this old entry from 2007:
http://kainasylum.livejournal.com/72475.html
I am something else, now.
And it is good.
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ENFJ - "Pedagogue of Humanity"
Ring and Blade
[info]kainasylum
  • First test taken in 2005: INTJ (Mastermind) http://kainasylum.livejournal.com/5361.html Asshole mastermind
  • Feb 2008: ENTJ (Field Marshall) http://kainasylum.livejournal.com/80706.html Mass movement rally seeker.  Deltas from INTJ probably instigated by a combination of traumatic life changes, psycho-socio engineering, and drugs with the goal of establishing a new identity to complete destruction of the old one
  • Mar 2009: ESFJ (Guardian Provider) http://kainasylum.livejournal.com/125264.html Hero complex on overload.  Deltas from ENTJ probably induced by the onset of equilibrium after post-traumatic adjustment.  Patient was seeking to recreate the stability of life in his 20s, even if that meant putting square pegs into round holes.
  • November 2009: ENFJ (Mentor) http://www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/enfj/ Deltas from ESFJ may have been induced by internal self-correcting mechanisms developed to prevent abuse of the savior identity.
So go ahead and throw your people at me; we'll see what comes out of that alchemy.  If it doesn't kill me, then it will make me stronger than one could ever imagine.

Always a work in progress.  Shooting for immortality.

Lens of Verbs
triangle
[info]kainasylum
"Don't think about who you want. Think about the behaviors you want."
-Juli Lee

  • Lens of Verbs: Strip away every noun and every adjective... Look only at the verbs.  Do you still want this in your life?
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Favorite Word
pensive
[info]kainasylum
"Badass"

On a related note, life has been really good, lately.
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Exercise is always an option
fight martial arts tournament
[info]kainasylum
  • Lens of Opportunity: If it makes me feel bad, then what can I do instead that would be good for me?
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She's Making Me Sexist by Being so Hot... That Bitch!
triangle
[info]kainasylum
Credit for this one goes to Liz...
  • Lens of Androgyny: Would the situation still be perceived the same way if the gender were different?  Why would gender be a factor, and is that a rational line of thought?
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Misanthrope
feeling black
[info]kainasylum
I wanted to believe that the world really does not work this way, but... today felt like a perfect storm of knowing my place in the lives of various people around me.

I try my best to believe in something... but it feels like a punishment to follow those beliefs.  The gods I worship seek pennance... a sacrifice seems appropriate.
  • Lense of Utility: Does being liked by the person yield benefits equal to or greater than the cost of maintaining the relationship?
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The System of Debt
fight martial arts tournament
[info]kainasylum
After buying that house, the last few months have been financially rough for me... At the same time, many of those I love have found themselves without income and/or fucked by debt.  The realization is setting in that we live in a system where people will be living in debt for life.  It got me to thinking... I am more likely to remain in debt for life than my parents, and if I have kids, they will be more likely to be fucked by debt than me.

Reasons:
  • We live in a society of education loans, car loans, and mortgages.  This has not changed from the time of your parents, and it generally enables a more productive society
  • But houses, cars, medical care, and education are getting more expensive
  • Average incomes are not sufficiently compensating for the rise in costs
  • Interest Rates continue to grow, and
  • Fees and penalties continue to become more extreme and numerous with every passing year
Summary: Everything is more expensive, but we are not making higher salaries to compensate; therefore, a life of debt will become more prevalent with every passing generation.

A person who makes $50,000 today is much poorer than a person who makes $50,000 twenty years ago.  More and more folks will remain "renters for life".  Retirement is a ticking time bomb.  Banks and credit cards charge poor folks high interest rates and penalty fees for being poor while rich folks get paid high interest rates as a reward for being rich.  The amount of money in the world is the same, but the imaginary money being generated by the system of interest rates allocates resources towards concentrated gravity wells that do not evenly distribute back into the societal ecosystem.  The rich will become richer, and the poor will fall further into entropy.  Differences in lifestyle between the rich and poor will diverge to the point where society fractures into two separate classes even more than it already has.

Those who are stuck paying minimum payments have it the worst.  Banks and credit card companies make their money from interest rates and penalty fees.  It has already become a gambling game to the creditors... debts are an investment commodity that can be bought, sold, and passed around amongst dealers like chips at a poker table.  An entire industry has been created that can sustain itself on the concept of interest and fees and casino tactics supported by our legal system.  That system will not change unless a crisis occurs.  There is nothing we can do, but wait for this crisis to happen.

But on our side, we can evaluate our own sense of entitlement on what we are supposed to get out of life in this world.  What do we really need?  What do we want that we can do without?  We have human needs relating to Maslow's Hierarchy: Physiology, Safety, Communion, Esteem, Actualization, and maybe even Transcendence.  The motivation to fulfill these needs is what drives our spending behavior.

Money was a concept initially created as a substitute for personal time in a bartering society.  It used to equate to direct services or goods.  The system became corrupt when money, itself, became seen as a good that could be traded for more money.

I'm going to try something new.... I am declaring war on those industries that sustain themselves solely on interest rates and penalty fees.  My credit is actually decent at this time, but I've been watching these companies victimize my friends for far too many years.  I can change my living habits and find ways to entertain myself that get me the fuck out of debt as quickly as possible.

AND I am going to take my beloved friends with me!

Composition
triangle
[info]kainasylum
Been spending the last few nights working on THE song.
The basic layers are complete.

The progression is there, and the chorus and harmonies mix well, but the loops are way too obvious.  After getting some advice from a wise musician, I realize that I need to make that heartbeat star of the song change its identity as the song progresses into new phases.

The craftsmanship is also a bit... rough.  I have a lot to learn about Ableton Live, midi controllers, and recording my own voice to account for microphone lag on the timing.  I don't want to, but it looks like I might need to invest in more equipment as I'm finding the headphones insufficient for proper audio tuning.

There is still a lot of work to do.  Every time I listen to the song, there is something to change, evolve, and remove.  At this rate, I don't see things finishing for at least another two weeks assuming I can continue to work on this every night.

After this one, I will keep my promise to Damien and make him that special ring tone he has been dreaming of.

Novelty and Friendship
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[info]kainasylum
  • The Lens of Novelty: How much of this is truly sustainable?  Would you still keep going at this once the novelty wears off and daily life settles back in?
  • The Lens of Temporal Resources: If time is the only personal resource we truly own, is the willingness to share time reciprocated?  Compared to the time you spend with your closest friends minus obligations?
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Secret project #342: Lenses
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[info]kainasylum
Initiating secret project #342... I'm going to be off the grid for a while.

But before I do, I want to leave these lenses to start off with...
  • Lens of No History: Would I still let this continue if I could only remember the last 8 minutes?
  • Lens of Infinite Time: How would being an immortal affect my choices?
  • Lens of the Ultimate Badass: What would somebody more badass than me do?

Divergence... Heroes and Villains
feeling black
[info]kainasylum
Start with one hero.
Remove the hero's identity.
Reset everything.
Will that hero still be a hero?

If you challenge a being's faith in reality, then a new reality will emerge.
Reality is identity.
Living things eventually fix themselves.

Flip a coin: Either way, things you touch will change.
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Today...
pensive
[info]kainasylum
Today, I...
  1. Shook the current Mayor's hand
  2. Realized that I can't remember anything from Christmas of last year no matter how hard I try
  3. Recognized that intense running to dangerous exhaustion is my way of going to church to talk to my god

New Favorite Backyard Activity
fight martial arts tournament
[info]kainasylum
Slicing bamboo stalks with Katana Blade

A favor to ask of my readers
game kain
[info]kainasylum
Can you vote for my SXSW Panels (if you like 'em?)
  1. How to run your game company into the ground
  2. Game Design Pitch Competition
All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up.

Sunscreen
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[info]kainasylum
(by Mary Schmich)

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, "sunscreen" would be it.

The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,

whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice NOW!

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.


Oh, never mind.

 

You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.

But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future.
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind,

The kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy.
Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.

The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive.

Forget the insults.

If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters.

Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives.
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

 

Be kind to your knees.

You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll divorce at 40.

 

Maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much,

or berate yourself either.

Your choices are half chance.

So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body.
Use it every way you can.

Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it.

It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance

Even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines.

They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents.

You never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings.

They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,

but with a precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get,

the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in "New York City" once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in "Northern California" once, but leave before it makes you soft.

 

Travel

Accept certain inalienable truths:
Prices will rise.

Politicians will philander.

You, too, will get old.

And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young,

prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you.

Maybe you have a trust fund.

Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse.

But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy,

but be patient with those who supply it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia.

 

Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,

wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.


Themes of August 2009
pensive
[info]kainasylum
We don't have to be a slave to our chemicals... )

Reality Bend Spell
triangle
[info]kainasylum
The first phase of the spell is giving form to the seemingly intangible circumstance... by assigning a shape and definition to that which seems formless, we open up an opportunity to change that tangible form into another tangible form.

Our vocabulary can be a weapon.  By giving form to the formless, we cause that aspect of reality to become vulnerable to our intentions.

___

The second phase of the spell is definition of the desired form.  This is your target.  At the end of the spell, your declaration will become true.  Defining a target allows you to decide whether to continue or stop this process.

Once decided, the will to follow through is given a tangible form of its own, and this enables the user to cast the spell with full conviction.
___

The third phase of the spell is the transformation.  It requires that you understand the movable parts of that tangible form to surgically alter its signature.  No matter how difficult it may seem, You MUST move parts to see changes.  The parts will not move without external actions.  If somebody else moves the part, you are dependent on their intentions, which will turn out to be either lucky or unlucky for you.

Going from current state to desired state requires verbs.

___

The fourth and final phase is acknowledgment of the new tangible form.  This is confirmation that your spell is finished.  By declaring that the spell is done, you essentially cast a spell to declare the change itself as having tangible form.

When the change becomes real, its effect becomes real.


Judging Value: The Identity Compass
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[info]kainasylum
For anything to be considered of worthy value, it must be attained through a sufficient ordeal.  Suffering is the true currency through which we gain the attention of souls.

Time is the only resource we truly own... we have only a finite amount to spend on ourself and others... and we will never have enough time to please everybody whose path we cross. Disappointment on both sides is inevitable.

"What do I want?"

Truth makes happen what needs to happen... and so when faced with a difficult choice, you can only refer to your personal compass to guide you towards the identity you are willing to bond with... for your truth is your identity, and there is no absolute truth as much as there is a truth that you choose to fall in love with for that time in your life.

To believe in something... to have a policy on your actions is to protect yourself from future regrets by staying true to the identity you have chosen for yourself. When faced with a difficult choice, then the path that coincides with who you want to be is the right path because the difficult choice itself is marked by suffering and, therefore, is a decision of worthy value that can define you, or at the very least, reinforce who you are.

Being who you are might mean hurting others, but it has to be that way because obligation at the sacrifice of identity is never a valid path to happiness.

You always have a choice on who you want to be.
You always have the option to just wake up one day and choose to be "that person".

"What is my identity?"

Sometimes, the situation is too chemically charged to see what you need to see. That is why we develop a relationship with "the other"... the friend, the confidant, the god, the goddess... "The other" is a sentient representation of the universe that we trust with our identity. The other can be a living human being, or it can be something more abstract. We keep a piece of our soul with the other so that if we ever lose ourself, we can simply refer to "the other" to be reminded of our own reflection.

"What do I want to become?"

Choices are an opportunity to expand the definition of who we are. Once defined in a new area, subsequent choices in the future can become more apparent.

My "other" would tell me this:
Let your intentions drive your reality instead of the other way around. Visualize the lego castle you wish to have... and one by one, those missing pieces will find their place because you will explore, and you will discover, build, and place them with your own hands. Define your target: Your self-intended identity, the reality you seek - That is your compass. Follow that, and all of your choices eventually become the choice you needed to make at the time to evolve the complex entity that is you.
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Super...Human?
feeling black
[info]kainasylum
The thing about shape shifters is... they eventually succumb to madness.

Today
feeling black
[info]kainasylum
Today is the day
that it all goes to hell.
It starts with a whisper
and ends with sixteen bells.

You start out with nothing
Believing in something
And throughout it all,
you hear the bells ring.

Ringing and ringing,
a dark scattered singing
The bells won't stop stinging

But the tears you weep
The friends you keep
and the love you reap
lead you to that truth you seek.

Today is the day
that it all comes together,
In the present as I am
and with this weather.
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New Thing: No More Promises
me
[info]kainasylum
I'm trying this new thing...

No More Promises

... because we are creatures of emotion.  And emotions are driven by our present situation.  Always.

Promises can either be an easy goal to achieve or they can be a prison of words.  In the case of the latter, nobody is happy.

And happy is what we're trying to achieve.

Identity Restore
peaceful
[info]kainasylum
Last night and today, I am reminded of a fundamental truth...

My friends range from professional to geeky to saccharin sweet to stoned to yagerbomb drunk... and I am a combination of all of them.

Whenever I feel lost and without center, I can go to my friends and be reminded of who I am after all is said and done.  For whatever reason, I am the one that they choose to be with.

Thank you for remembering what I'm supposed to be.
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The Looking Glass Amplifier
Ring and Blade
[info]kainasylum
"You're not a mirror, Kain."

"Then what am I?"

"You're a signal amplifier.  A love freak.  You absorb identities from those around you, and then you project the amplified identity back in their general direction.  To the nice ones, you become a saint.  The assholes see you as uber asshole.  And the apathetic ones believe that you have a life that has no room for them.  It's almost perfect."

"Almost?"

"Almost.  You waste a lot of energy by collecting so many signals that your systems get internal interference.  You have no sense of identity because your system is overloaded with all of the input you've been getting.  That is why you've been such a recluse, lately... because you've stopped generating signals of your own.  Focus on meaningful inputs.  You'll be able to adopt a consistent identity and project a more focused signal that actually belongs to you.  You've been focusing your reception on a lot of dead receivers.  That energy goes nowhere.  Hence, you are stretched thin and exhausted with very little to show for it."

"What does that mean?"

"It means... Quit fucking collecting and holding on to people as if they were goddamn Pokemons.  You can't amplify all of those reflections without losing yourself in the process."

"Fuck you, Goodwill :)"

"Fuck you, too, Kain :)"
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Origin Story
Ring and Blade
[info]kainasylum
"Have you met her yet?"

"Yeah I met her!  I went out on a first date with her last year and met her boyfriend and her daughter, and then we went to Jack in the Box.  I had a patty melt and some muthafuckin' curly fries, yo!"

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